I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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