Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
