He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
