Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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