Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
do herpes really smell.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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