I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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