it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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