my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
