areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize