So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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