That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
