she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
