I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize