Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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