my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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