Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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