you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
