I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
