I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
