Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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