The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
