he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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