Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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