The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
