i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You have to summon your inner elephant
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize