I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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