I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
