Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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