he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
