Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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