And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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