i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
