fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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