There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
