omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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