He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
this hospital has no fireball
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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