Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
