So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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