YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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