Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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