Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
