I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
