When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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