sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
