Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize