where am i from again
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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