One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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