i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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