umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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