ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
