You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
