What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
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