I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
