I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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