I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
