I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
