What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize