i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
